i wish i could put the depths of my soul into words. 

i wish i could put the last month of my life into words.  it changed me.  it grew me.  He changed me.  He grew me.  i was a part of something so much bigger than myself.  i saw one man change countless lives.  i watched hundreds of people stand alongside of him and fight for what is right in this world.  i watched people sweat and bleed on his behalf.  i watched people buy into an idea and run with it until there was no strength left and not a single step more could be taken; and then keep on going. 

i saw unity.  i saw endurance.  i saw love.  i saw patience.  i saw encouragement.  i saw friendship. 

....i saw Jesus.  in all of those things and more, i saw Jesus.  in each and every aspect i saw Jesus.  one of the most clear pictures of Jesus that i've ever seen.  things didn't turn out how we wanted.  a large number of us cried and were more upset than we thought we would be.  and then there was him.  he stood there, smile as big as ever, and genuinely knew this was the Lord's plan and trusted in that more than i've ever seen someone trust in that.  it was beautiful.  it was Jesus in him.  and it displayed Jesus to us.

this past month changed me.  i've got more joy.  and more love for others.  and more trust in others.  and more belief in pursuing what is right.  and more of a desire for things i'm passionate about.  and a desire for being challenged.

i got to live closely with a group of people this past month.  i got to watch them day in and day out - how they do life.  and it has blessed me beyond words.  i got to watch.  and listen.  and soak it in.  and they the same.  i got to work closely with two of the wisest people i know - wise far beyond their years.  because they press hard into Jesus every moment of every day.  i got to learn from them in a way i never would have had the chance to do.  i got to find some girls that aren't as far along in their walk of life, who haven't been on this earth near as long, and i got to love them.  i'm not the wisest.  i'm not the strongest.  but i got to love them.  and will continue to.  and that might be the biggest blessing of all.  lasting friendships.  lasting relationships.  people to pour into me and people for me to pour into.  that's what it's about.  loving people and imitating Jesus to those people.  being trained by those who are older while training those who are younger.  i think that's one of the most tangible things we have as believers to imitate Christ.  allowing others to watch us who have lived.  allowing them to learn the lessons we've learned - sometimes without having to learn the hard way.  i got to see all of this and more.  and it brought me to my knees.  because we were more than willing to fight for one man here on earth, yet the majority of the time are not near as willing to fight that hard, or harder for Christ.  never in my life have i put that much work into something.  we were undoubtedly serving the Lord through it, and i don't take that lightly.  but why have i never stepped outside of myself in any other way?  why have i not devoted that much time to the Lord before now?  i'm selfish, that's why. 

i think serving alongside one another forms some of the deepest relationships.  at least in my life it does.  when i look at the strongest of friendships....it's people i've served with.  because you get outside yourself.  you both humble yourselves before the Lord and pursue something bigger than you.  you both selflessly lay your life down for something else.  and that's what life is.  when we learn to lay down our lives and take on the life of Christ....THAT is where true love lies and that is where true community and unity can be found.  walking alongside of someone towards a common goal, never once looking inside to yourself, and even never looking to the other person....that's the most amazing picture of fellowship i've seen.  and i saw it more times than i can count on my fingers and toes this past month. 

we risked a lot.  and it's hard feeling like those risks were taken for nothing.  but i think those risks mean more with the way things turned out than if things had gone how we'd hoped.  because it requires more trust.  we must know that the work and the risks we took were not in vain, but were in service to the Lord and as such, they will not come back void.  they already haven't come back void, as i've learned more through this experience than any other in my life.  i'm not sure why i was blessed enough to partake in this journey.  but i'm eternally grateful.

i saw people giving their all.  losing sleep.  not sleeping at all.  giving time they didn't have.  failing tests....knowing that they paled in comparison.  i saw people truly having an eternal perspective.

i saw people love.  recklessly.  fearlessly.  desperately.  the "i'm willing to fall flat on my face and then get back up and do it all over again" kind.

speaking of the willing to fall flat on your face kind....i think that's one of the most amazing things i've learned.  because i was able to, for maybe the first time ever, say that and mean it.  i was willing to fall.  and i learned that never being willing to fall is a far greater risk than allowing yourself to be in a position where falling is possible...or maybe even inevitable.  it's not the falling flat on your face that hurts you the most.  it's never having fallen and never having had to see what it is to get back up.  risks aren't easy to take.  trusting isn't easy.  in fact, for me, it's the hardest of things.  never trusting does in fact leave less room to be hurt.  but it also leaves less room to be helped. 

and really, one of the biggest lesons i've learned is that never trusting doesn't ACTUALLY mean you get hurt less.  it just means that you, rather than someone else, are the one hurting you.  and i've lived my life that way.  i'd rather be the one hurting myself than have someone else do it.  because i can get over my own hurts.  or....i can stuff them down deep to where they came from and not deal with them.  i've perfected that.  but someone else taking hold of my heart and hurting it?  that's where it gets hard.  because then i'm required to tell that person that i've been hurt, and why, and how, and we're both forced to lay down our pride.  and that's not easy.  but it's beautiful.  and it's growth.  and i'd choose that over bottled up emotions any day of the week.  even if it means friendships lost.  even if it means integrity is the only thing i've got to hold onto. 

i'm learning to risk.  and to risk big.  love is the biggest risk of all.  and it's a risk i want to take each and every day.

challenge me to continue risking.  challenge me to continue trusting others.  challenge me to continue trusting myself.  challenge me to continue loving, and doing so with every fiber of my being.  challenge me to continue taking strides toward righteousness.  challenge me to be more like Jesus today than i was yesterday, and this moment more than the last.  these are the things i want.  and the things that i want to want.

tomorrow i start walking again.  that one sentence holds so much meaning - some of which i'm sure i haven't even begun to grasp.  i've learned a lot about what walking with the Lord looks like this summer.  for so long, i've equated walking with putting one foot in front of the other and taking steps.  and, in literal terms, that's what it is.  but man, i've learned that just because you're taking steps, doesn't mean you're getting anywhere.  the steps themselves don't determine whether or not you get where you're going.  it's whether or not the steps are in the right direction.  because i can take 10 steps and end up in the exact spot that i took the first step from.  you can be taking the right steps, but in the wrong direction.  and so man, walking with the Lord isn't a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and taking steps.  it's about seeking to walk WITH Him.  and clearly, then you're going in the right direction.  i feel like i learn a lot from analogies.  and, i feel like walking has a ridiculous amount of analogous lessons with it.

by far one of the best things to come from this summer, is that i've finally begun to see true beauty in me.  i've always known it was there, but knowledge and belief are so far from being the same.  i think i've been waiting all this time for someone else to come along and break through the walls around my heart and prove to me that i'm worth fighting for, and prove to me that whats in my heart really is beautiful.  Jesus has been trying, but i was far too blinded to see it.  someone told me not long ago that anyone who knows me, knows that i'm the only one that can prove anything to myself.  he was right.  because i've had people trying to break through the walls around my heart for a long time.  but i was too scared of what that would look like for me.  i was too scared to let anyone try.  or maybe, i wasn't too scared to let them try, but too scared to let them succeed.  i even think i began to like the fact that my heart was impenetrable.  i liked the fact that nobody could get in.  but man, i never realized what i was missing out on.  i finally realized this summer, that those walls were so high, and so thick, that even i couldn't see what was inside.  and once i began to delve into the depths of my heart, and let the Lord do the same, i liked what i saw.  my biggest prayer for this past year when it started was that i'd finally be able to scale the walls around my heart and get in there and go through the junk that i was hiding away there for safe keeping and get rid of it, in order that i could look there and truly see the beauty of the Lord, as opposed to the depravity of myself. 

i'm a packrat.  let's just get that out there in the open.  we were going through my clothes and i found a shirt that i'm certain was bought in the 3rd grade.  THIRD GRADE.  as if i've even been able to think about putting it on since like, the 6th grade.  and what's funnier...it was in my closet at A&M.  really?  yes.  i like to keep things around.  that shirt held meaning in my life, i could place that shirt with a specific time period, specific people, etc.  i do that with things - i associate them with other things.  and by those associations, i come to love those things.  but i'm learning that not only am i a packrat as far as things are concerned, i'm that way about my heart as well.  i've got things that i should've gotten rid of years ago that are still residing there.  because i don't have the willpower to get rid of them.  things that i don't even need to be kept "safe".  things that i wish weren't kept safe.  things that i've been hiding there, from others, from myself, and...in my head....from Jesus.  clearly i've hid nothing from Him.  and why i decided that putting things in my heart, where He lives, in order to hide them from Him was a smart idea....i've not the slightest clue.  worst logic ever....clearly.  and just like that shirt took me back to another time and place, so do the things i'm finding in my heart.  but man, they don't take me back to a place that i love.  they take me back to a place of hurt and pain and sin and junk in my life.  why do i keep things like that around?  why do i refuse to let go?  i don't know, but i'm sure glad i'm realizing it.  and whats neat, is that i know i couldn't have realized this until now.  because it wasn't going to happen until i was able to start going through the piles and piles of stuff thats there in my heart.  it wasn't going to happen until i was willing to lay those things down at the foot of the Cross and surrender them to Him.  and i haven't been ready to do that until now.  He's been preparing my heart for this.  and just like throwing away that shirt from 3rd grade, that i could've told you stories from the times it took me back to even when i'm 80, just like throwing that away hurt a little inside, this is going to hurt.  but man was it ever time for that shirt to be gone.  and man was i ever due for a cleaning out of the heart.  because really, the only thing i want to be there is Jesus.  why do i insist on forcing other things into a space that was only meant for Him?  why do i let myself place other things where He belongs? 

i feel like more times than i can count i've thought "dang.  i'm real glad i am where i am right now.  i'm real glad the Lord brought me here.  i'm real glad He's teaching me this.  i'm real glad He's loving me the way he is.  i'm real glad He's given me this unexplainable joy through this."  and then i'm like "dang.  i had to fall off a bridge to be where i am right now.  why?"  and it's so clear.  SO clear.  all these other things that i refused to let go of were right in front of my face, so much so that i could no longer see where the Lord was leading.  i was walking, but certainly not in the right direction.  i was taking what i thought were all the necessary steps to be where i wanted to be with the Lord.  but that's all they were - steps.  i was putting one foot in front of the other, but boy i wasn't walking.  and He was trying to tell me these things.  He was trying to speak to me through His word and His people.  you always hear that when one of your senses goes out, the others strengthen.  but i guarantee you that just because i was blinded, didn't at all mean that my ears were hearing Him clearer.  in fact, i'd argue that it was the opposite.  i hadn't seen the Lord in so long that i had forgotten what His voice sounded like.  but man....i've gotten to spend these past 3 months staring at the face of my King, and listening to Him whisper in my ears as He held me in His arms.  and i could never be more thankful for anything.